Fear in the Presence of Awe, Wonder & Love!

 

 

The experience of deep awe and wonder often is associated also with fear, confusion, uncertainty. We feel a sense of being discombobulated and sometimes want to withdraw. I became aware of this when I read two of the stories churches will read this week and I pondered the connection in my own life.

I thought about the first time I held our children. Each was a deeply profound experience! Despite all my knowledge of the science and biology involved, when I first held my children I felt myself in the presence of a holy miracle. This was a new life, a tiny human being invested with life and being. As I first held my children, I held them carefully and gently, afraid of hurting them, perhaps breaking them. I soon realised that babies are very tough and resilient – they have to be to get through childbirth! In this presence of sacred life I suddenly recognised my own humility and vulnerability, my inexperience and naivete – and my responsibility towards this little life! The deep experience of wonder was also an experience of fear and uncertainty. It was overwhelming and I suddenly wondered where I was and how I got there. It was love that drew me on and all I could ultimately do was confess my humility and surrender to the sacred moment and the life into which I was invited. The journey has been filled with many wonderful moments and many times of mistakes and failure. It is a path of growth and life and when I stop to truly look, I recognise the miracles and sacredness all around me, even when I’ve got it wrong.

I also recognise this same awe and fear when couples stand before me in the wedding ceremony. As they promise to commit themselves to each other for life, whatever the future may hold, and there is awe and wonder, out of deep love. There is often the awareness of their own vulnerable and humble being. What is happening? What will this mean? Can I, we, do this? You see it in the face, the hesitant words, the tears or wonder and something else. Love, awe, wonder and fear, all bound up as we let go of the control we think we have over the life we think we are living.

Love, along with awe and wonder, and in a different way, deep suffering, are transformational moments and experiences. When we are brought to our knees by awe and wonder, or through Love or suffering, we are humbled and recognise our own essential vulnerability. We understand, in that moment, our limitations, our loss of control (or the control we thought we had) over life. When we are confronted by the holy and sacred, it is scary because we don’t know what it means, where it will lead or what will be required of us. We want to run away and hide but the experience has set off changes within us that we can’t ignore or deny, lest we further confuse and disorient our being and psyche. Never-the-less, the journey ahead will not be straightforward or easy for that simply isn’t the nature of life and growth and maturing. There will be steps forward and back, moments of surrender and grace and others of deep resistance and rejection.

In an ancient story from the Hebrew Scriptures (Isaiah 6:1-8) we read of the prophet Isaiah’s vision and call to take God’s word to the people. In his vision, he is taken into the heavenly realm and it is full of sacred and holy wonder. He stares, in awe, at this scene unfolding of God high on a throne, with heavenly creatures worshipping and attending to God. Then, in a moment of awareness, Isaiah realises that he in is the presence of sacred holiness and he is lowly, unclean, unworthy and surely this experience will destroy him. He is afraid! As he tries to retreat, to save himself, his sanity, his being, a seraph, one of the winged creatures, took a coal from the altar and touched it to Isaiah’s lips. He was cleansed and forgiven and he heard a voice, the voice of God, ask: “Who will I send? Who will go for us?”

Isaiah replied, “Here I am; send me!” He was then given the words to take to the people, harsh and difficult words exposing their waywardness and error and speaking judgement upon them. The path ahead would be hard for Isaiah and this experience of deep, transforming grace held him and sustained him. When he followed the path or deviated, in truth and error, he was held by the reality of this encounter with the Living God. Awe and wonder rubbed up against fear and uncertainty. Confession and surrender in the grace and power of the Spirit was the true way forward.

In the story Luke tells this week (Luke 5:1-11), Jesus was followed and surrounded by the crowds clamouring for his healing and teaching. On the beach were two fishing boats and the fishermen were cleaning their nets after a poor night of fishing. Jesus got into one of the boats and asked the owner, Simon, to push out so he could teach. Simon pushed the boat out and listened to the teaching. Jesus then asked Simon to push farther out into the deeper water and then cast his nets over the side. Simon complained that it was hopeless; they had fished all night without a catch (and the nets were only good for night-time fishing, as they were trammel nets made from linen.) Jesus persisted and Simon cast the nets, which were immediately filled with so many fish he had to call for help from his partners. The catch threatened to sink the two boats.

In this moment of wonder, Simon was filled with fear! He said, “God away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.” In saying this, Simon’s use of ‘sin’ is indicative of the distance between himself, his life and sense of worthiness, and that of Jesus. He recognises the vast distance between them, and is fearful of what this means. I can only wonder that Simon fears the changes that this experience will bring into his life. Can he ever be the same? Can he push Jesus away and go back to life as it was? There is both fear and attraction, and in this moment there will be opportunity and invitation. What will it mean?

Jesus continued, “Do not be afraid. From now on you will be catching people alive.” Often this is translated as fishing for people but that image breaks down when we realise what happens to fish in the hands of fishermen. It seems that Jesus is inviting Simon, whom he will call Peter (meaning rock), to reach out to others and offer life into their pain, hopelessness, confusion or marginalisation. As he receives life, he will share this with others and all will live in the grace and love of God.

There is a movement in Simon’s story. His first encounter is when Jesus enters his home, his private space. This is the place of intimate, personal life. Jesus then enters his public and economic life as a fisherman. Each time there is encounter and invitation. It is in the experience of awe and fear that Peter will be transformed. He can’t unsee the wonder and grace before him. He can’t refuse the invitation into sacred holiness. He can’t let go of the wonder that is present in the world and has enfolded him. He is afraid but is also gently affirmed and comforted. God is with him and invites him onto a new path, one that will change everything. It will be difficult, he will make mistakes, but there will be grace!